Thousands of households in Britain are signing up to ‘remote parenting’ services in India as the psychological burden of childcare continues to soar. Exhausted mums and dads will pay only a fraction of the comparative emotional cost by dispatching their little ones to nurseries throughout the sub-continent. The Indian government has welcomed the foreign investment and promised UK parents a ‘typically British nursery school experience without the risk of sexual abuse’.
The concept of ‘remote parenting’ appears to be very popular with couples who both have full-time jobs. It has the major advantage of substituting evening ‘bath time’ for two extra bottles of wine or an acrimonious dispute about the joint bank account.
‘I can finally get pissed uninterrupted, without pretending to care if they’ve shat themselves again,’ said mother of two Claire Parker. ‘Sometimes I just wanted to throw that fucking baby monitor at the cat. Now that George and Sally are in Calcutta for the entire year, I can sell the nuclear bombproof pushchairs. I’ll use the money to buy a pair of noise-cancelling headphones so I don’t have to listen to that lifeless twat of a husband snoring on the sofa.’
To ensure that the relationship is maintained, parents will be allowed to speak to their children on an annual basis but personal visits will be strictly forbidden. Some critics argue, however, that babies could be outsourced for not strictly legal reasons.
43 year-old father Peter Butler confessed: ‘Look, we’ve got two boys and my wife really wanted a girl. I thought two kids was enough but you learn not to argue. We got down to business and boom, she was pregnant again. Turned out to be another boy. She was inconsolable. So we named him Parvinder and he was shipped to Mumbai.’