Crisp salesman Gary Lineker has been awarded the 2016 Nobel Prize in Economics for his divorce equation. ‘The key variables are how long you’ve been married, how many fit birds you meet per week and whether you’re a bit bored. I’m working on a combined dating, marriage and divorce app which turns every quickie into a quickie divorce,’ he said.
Lineker rejected claims that his algorithm undermines the institution of marriage, claiming that with efficient automation, every sexual encounter could be blessed with the sanctity of marriage before moving on to the next sacred union. ‘There wouldn’t be any kiss and tell stories because all those hypothetical women would be married to me at the time,’ he argued. ‘It’s just a pity there isn’t a Nobel Prize for Religion.’