A group of human body parts, both gender-specific and universal, have joined to demand that the British people cease making analogies between them and the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne. They have called these accusations, which are aired somewhere in the UK about four times every second, ‘lazy, simplistic and offensive’.
‘How can anyone justify calling Osborne a prick?’ demanded a prick. ‘Every man has a prick. They serve two essential bodily functions. Without a prick, a man’s life would be demeaning and miserable. OK, we can be used in unpleasant ways or just to scare old ladies, but Osborne manages that all the time anyway. So stop calling that arsehole a prick, will you?’
An arsehole immediately retorted that, whilst he sympathised with the prick’s frustration, he resented the slur no less. ‘Arseholes are certainly not pretty to look at and they may not give as much pleasure as pricks, although … no, let’s not go there right now … anyway, where was I? Yes, so they spread shit everywhere, like Osborne, I’ll concede that much, but they are also vital to the healthy function of every human body. You certainly can’t say that of old Smuggy McSmugface.’
The commonest insult used against the Prime Minister-in-waiting, that he is a complete twat, was strongly refuted by a twat. ‘I feel demeaned as an intrinsic part of a woman when I hear that,’ the twat sobbed. ‘Twats are alive with feeling, they have depth and individual character. Unlike pricks and arseholes, many find twats beautiful. The comparison between George Osborne and a twat is in extremely poor taste … oh ha ha, very funny. Prick.’
‘What she said,’ a cunt concurred. ‘Look, if you really have so little imagination that you can’t liken George Osborne to anything other than an atomised part of the body, why not try the appendix? It’s small and ugly, it is a non-functioning part of the digestive system, it serves no useful purpose and the only thing it will ever do is cause severe pain when you least expect it. Will that do?’
A highly inflamed appendix sitting preserved in alcohol in a biology laboratory in Cambridge reportedly flared up again when he heard this and gesticulated wildly as he told the prick, the arsehole, the twat and the cunt in a slurred voice that they were all a bunch of pricks, arseholes, twats and cunts and should come over here for some if they were hard enough. Michael Gove could not be reached for comment.