As a number of national industries and businesses go into administration, Britain’s shareholders have been forced to take an unpleasant reality check. Where once a magical unicorn had managed to fill everyone’s coffers, this time it merely pooped in their shoes and ate their chequebooks.
Said one shareholder, clutching an iridescent poop: ‘It started out with a few investments – then it went all zeitgeisty, all modern – so inane that you could feel your brain melting. Sure, this poop has no actual use, but as long as I can sell it on – who cares?’
‘The key is to liquidate your assets before anyone notices the smell. That’s when it implodes, somehow sucking all of the money from your pockets; like a kind of evil Hawking radiation – a fecal black hole’.
‘And as for this rainbow having a crock of gold at the end of it– well, that’s a crock of sh@t’