The world of genetics has offered up its most staggering revelation yet. Having first hit us with the shock news that humans share about 96% of their DNA with chimpanzees and 50% of it with bananas, biologists have now conclusively demonstrated that Tory and human DNA is 99.9% identical. For all practical purposes, it is now agreed, they are the same species.
‘Because of the superficial physical resemblance between them, we had always suspected that Tories shared a common ancestor, now extinct, with human beings,’ said Professor Francis Collins of the Wellcome Centre for Cell Biology. ‘This is a stunning revelation, with profound ethical implications.’
The Greater Tory (Psychopathens illegitimus) is indigenous to the UK alone but shares multiple common traits with related strains across the world, notably the Common American Republican (Religiosus stultus). Tories have long led an uneasy, symbiotic coexistence with humans, occasionally keeping them as domestic pets but more often attaching themselves as parasites on human activity by exploiting humans’ natural docility.
Tories have radically different nesting behaviour to humans – particularly their compulsive need to occupy multiple excessively large sites – and strange, only partially studied breeding rituals, which are mainly centred around giant country estates, well out of the gaze of other species. Because of this, the idea that they could be a distant cousin of humans had not hitherto occurred to anyone.
‘We will need to rethink everything,’ warned Collins. ‘DNA proves that Tory behaviour is not genetic but learned. For some, that may make us identify with them, just as learning about our close relationship to great apes makes us want to preserve them for future generations. Then again, others may think that there’s really no excuse for the bastards now and will be even keener than ever to punch George Osborne in his stupid, smug face. I couldn’t really comment on that.’