Chilcott confirms End of Days is at hand


While many did not expect to see the eschaton within their lifetime, Sir John Chilcot has scheduled his apocalyptic report into the Iraq War for the 6th of July. Many had wrongly assumed that the publishing date would be after the return of Jesus or, at the very least, the start of Ragnorak; but Leicester winning the Premiership was the ultimate sign that world was coming to an end.

Generation upon generation of ‘truth worshippers’ had passed down the hope that one day God would redeem mankind with a 6,000 page document – containing more than one grumbling appendix. In turn, Sir John has been criticized for channelling the pace of ‘Waiting for Godot’ – although, if Vladimir and Estragon had been weapons experts they might have been more successful with their arboreal suicide.

Bible scholars point to an obscure passage in Hansard that seems to predict recent events:

‘And lo, so it was that a Commons Select Committee
Asked why the false prophet Blair
Was worshipping graven images of WMD?
‘Go forth and multiply he said unto them’
…Just not in those words’.
Meanwhile the relatives of the 179 British service personnel killed in Iraq can now expect closure, or compensation for delays – in the form of 10% off their next inquiry. For the others, the Chilcott Report joins a long list of things we never thought we would see, including the presidency of Donald Trump, life on Mars and Sheridan Smith sober on stage.

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Posted: May 11th, 2016 by

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