Following the outstanding success of her third album, ‘25’, and the end of the football season, Adele’s record label have announced that she is to issue a fourth album next month comprising songs entirely about being let down by Tottenham Hotspur. Born within a mile of White Hart Lane, Adele has been a Spurs supporter all her life.
‘Following Tottenham was really what shaped Adele, all that promise and hope ending in bitter disappointment every time,’ said publicist Craig Thornton. ‘I’m amazed no-one worked out it was ALL about Tottenham. All those moody, introspective songs, spitting venom at an unnamed but perennially useless ‘other’ who ruined her life, when she wasn’t actually in a relationship at the time. Duh.’
The album is entitled ‘16’ after the latest football season, when Tottenham were generally considered the best team in the Premiership, topped the table in terms of goal difference, possession, chances created and fewest goals conceded and yet still contrived to finish third behind Leicester City and bitter local rivals Arsenal after spaffing away their last four games.
Many of the songs on ‘16’ are actually the original versions of those that appeared on the first three albums. The record label had persuaded Adele to change the lyrics of these songs to appeal to female fans and any others who don’t give a flying toss about the North London derby. Among the newly resurrected gems are ‘Someone Like Bale (Only Less Talented)’, ‘Fire Sale of Harry Kane’ and ‘Kyle Walker, You Are A Squirrel-Brained Pillock’.
‘Now she’s happily settled with a life partner, a baby and enough money to fund the next Gulf War, I’m sure Adele will be relieved her secret is out,’ said Thornton. ‘That’s not to say I would advise people to buy the album, though. After all, ‘21’ was meant to be about being let down by one bloke, once. ‘16’ is about 11 blokes letting you down every year of your life. Doesn’t bear thinking about, really.’