A team of world-renowned physicists have been called in to investigate, following repeated claims in the media about the energy-sapping nature of the Wembley football pitch. As excitement built towards the showpiece FA cup final event this weekend there was increasing speculation amongst commentators and pundits that the 105m by 67m pitch contravened universally accepted laws of the conservation of energy.
‘This is a conundrum’ explained Professor Peter Van Buren of Imperial College London, who will lead a series of experiments at the world-famous stadium. ‘We have 2 working hypotheses. One, formally postulated by Robbie Savage on last week’s Football Focus, is that the Wembley pitch effectively disproves Noether’s theorem that if a physical system is invariant under the continuous symmetry of time translation then its energy is conserved. The alternative explanation is that the turf is a bit crap, and so it cuts up when it takes a stud and players end up feeling more knackered’.
‘These are exciting times and the results of the research could open up a whole new branch of physics’ added Van Buren. ‘We can use the findings of this study to explore other widely cited Wembley anomolies such as the hallowed nature of the turf and why the form book inevitably goes out the window. The one thing we can’t explain through any existing knowledge though is the decision made by Liverpool to wear cream suits to the 1995 final. It’s beyond comprehension’.