German discount chain Lidl has been appointed the official supermarket of the England football team after signing a multi-million pound three-year deal with the FA to supply water, fish and fresh fruit and vegetables to the players at all games, starting with the Euro 2016 championship. At a press conference to announce the deal officially, several England footballers have chipped in to confirm that they buy all their groceries at Lidl, honest.
‘I’m delighted to confirm I shop at Lidl in Alderley Edge regularly,’ said Manchester City and England goalkeeper Joe Hart. ‘Of course we’re all very well paid, but we like a bargain as much as anyone else and Lidl’s – boss, what’s that long word on the autocue? – Lidl’s assortment of fresh food is really great, I imagine. And I think my agent got me my newest gold Bentley from there too. It’s great.’
Under the deal, Lidl will fund 1.5 million sessions of grassroots professional coaching for children in the coming years, while also selling 1.5 billion packets of crisps and 150 million cans of high strength lager to adults who want to park their lardy fat arses on the sofa for the ten days that England are still in Euro 2016.
‘Some people say I couldn’t trap a bag of cement,’ joked Chelsea and England centre half Gary Cahill. ‘Well I don’t know about that but I hear Lidl do really good cement for quite reasonable prices. Much better than Tesco, anyway. They were the official supermarket to the England team last time around, apparently, and their cement is rubbish. And I definitely remember going into a supermarket at least once that year.’
It has also been announced that, under a similar deal, Lidl will also be the official supplier of fish, fruit and vegetables for the Scottish football team for the next three years, thus firmly disproving the long-standing allegation that the Germans don’t have a sense of humour.