A leak of toxic sewage from the 2014 Glastonbury Festival, known to have killed many fish in a nearby lake, has been identified as Coldplay. Experts have confirmed that blandness and self-satisfaction levels have now returned almost to normal. However, some fish are still suffering from Coldplay exposure.
‘Despite having no material problems at all, they’re feeling just a bit dissatisfied with life and wondering what it’s, y’know, really all about,’ a spokesman said. ‘Some are refusing to eat anything unless we can prove it’s organic and ethically sourced. Others simply hide away in the reeds at the bottom, in the certain knowledge that no other fish can really understand how they feel.’
Concerns that many fish had died proved to be unfounded when it was discovered that the missing fish were actually on their gap year spending a few months in an African lake where they felt they ‘could really make a difference’, adding that they felt ‘humbled’ by the ‘amazing’ African fish they’d met.