The Taliban leadership elections have finally came to a conclusion, with Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada the winner. In his acceptance speech, he thanked his supporters, who’d tirelessly gone door to door threatening people.
Akhundzada had campaigned on a pledge to bring back tuberculosis, cut the basic rate of compassion and make Afghanistan Medieval again. There was a low turn-out at the polls, with very few women voting. Few illiterate tribespeople took up the offer of a postal vote, according to Akhundzada.
In a phone-in show on Talk Taliban, unemployed warlord Al from Kandahar said: ‘These politicians are all the same. They’re all in it for themselves. If things get any worse. I’ll have to go and live in Croydon.’ All voters agreed that the low point in the campaign had been a visit from George Galloway.