In a move marking the end of an era, manufacturers have ended production of the last non-ironic greeting card on sale in the UK. The card, reading simply ‘Happy Birthday, Grandma’, has been withdrawn from sale following complaints at its ‘bland and inoffensive’ nature. Its replacement, reading ‘Screw you Grandma – you smell of piss’ will be in shops from next week.
A spokesman for the Consolidated Card Companies’ Confederation said: ‘I am pleased to announce that the ironising of our entire range has now been completed. Few will mourn this card’s passing and all that it represented. I mean ‘Happy Birthday Grandma?’ It’s like, ‘so what – where’s the bite’? It was just so not what cards are about any more. ‘The new ‘screw-you grandma’ range fits right in with our birthday range, from ‘Congratulations on beating infant mortality (Age 5)’, to ‘You’re 30 and a trollop’, through to ‘Your life’s half over, you fat, 40-year-old prick’, and ‘One way ticket to Dignitas enclosed, you useless arse’ (65).’
Non-ironic greetings cards dominated the market for many years, but have increasingly given way to their ironic counterparts, depicting their recipients alternately as fat, ugly, unloved humans unworthy of the attention which the purchase and dispatch of such a card so obviously involves. One grandmother commented ‘I’m glad they’ve taken the nice cards off the shelves at last – I’ll feel less bad about sending my son one every year calling him a twat now that he has to reciprocate.’