Gove to reintroduce school bullies

already getting complaints from Leveson major

Education secretary Michael Gove has defended his decision to reintroduce formal bullying into secondary schools, and rejected accusations it would mean ‘two tiers before bedtime.’

‘There’s striking evidence that bullied people become bullies themselves, so allegations that some children will be tarred for life are untrue. Bullying for some can mean social mobility. And lot of modern tars come off quite easily,’ he told a conference of educators.

‘Bullying gained a poor reputation during the Blair years’ Gove insisted. ‘In the real world though, powerful figures rise naturally to the top, and we who write humble columns in their newspapers actually enjoy a relationship in which we quiver and go a bit red and weak-kneed sometimes, faced with the sheer magnificence and power of their throbbing spheres of influence. Employers keep telling us that school-leavers are coming to them lacking the basic skills to become complete bastard, little Hitler middle managers. In order to remain competitive in the new global economy we need to start producing more effective bullies.’

The new qualification will encompass humility and responsible victimhood, according to Gove. These will be examined in a brightly lit gymnasium and efficiently invigilated by smartly dressed highly fit young men in suits and ties and shiny shoes. ‘We are currently thrashing out details’ said Gove. ‘Thrashing and thrashing and thrashing…’

Asked whether his plans involve a return to the traditions of wet towel flicking, fagging, and using first year oiks’ buttock-cleavage as bicycle racks Gove responded: ‘Of course, we aspire to the standards set by our great Public Schools, with their physical firmness, and great traditions of ritual cruelty. But some of us only managed entry into the ranks of minor public schools, and let us not forget the great Australian Americans who rose so majestically to positions of enormous power, giving humble Scots like me a part to play in the free press.’

The Minister revealed that the new examination will be known as ‘Ow! levels’, and will feature questions on traditional power-wielding. ‘First we need to establish the dress code for those well-built invigilators’ he added, ‘many of whom will have come from the ranks of the military. And gowns for teachers, and heavy blackboard rubbers and those little hats, what are they called?…Oh God I love this job…’

nickb, based on an idea by grottymonty, with help from dvo4fun

21st June 2012

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