A cache of 400 hundred roman tablets has revealed that ancient Londoners spent much of their time bickering over whether they should remain part of Roman Empire. The tablets, dating from toga and orgy times, have been discovered in London during excavations on the site of new European headquarters for Bloomberg.
‘If I want to strip down to me amphora, cover myself in wode and run up and down the market place screaming ‘Come On Londinium’ that is my decision to make, not some interfering busybodies from Ostia,’ said aggrieved sandal-wearer Helthia Savia Maddus. ‘I’ve even heard they are going to let sacrificial victims choose their own manner of death. In my day you’d just grab the nearest ginger, chuck him in a bog and Zenaphobor, god of knee jerk reactions, would be well pleased with his offering. I tell you, this country’s going down the vomitorium’
‘I don’t like the look of those sneaky, sideways Thracians, coming here with their medicine and numbers and body hair, stealing jobs and smearing poo on our traditional wattle and daub. Vote leave,’ said Smallus Mindus Bloccus, who recorded his profession as ‘owner of small goods cart pulled by albino donkey’.
The tablets captured opinions from both sides of the debate. ‘We’ve got a good thing going on here,’ said clan leader Spoonius Swinsex Facius. ‘People marching round like they have somewhere important to go, taking other tribes’ precious things and hoarding them, everyone so busy congratulating themselves on having the precious things they forget to treat others like human beings. By Jupiter, it’s the village of the future; we don’t want it disappearing like a standard in the Teutoburg Forrest. Plus, most of our trade comes from the Empire. If we back out now, I assure you, our money will turn to live snakes in our pockets as part of an ancient blood curse and bite us all over our Ionic Columns.’
‘It’s fascinating to find that even this far back people were suspicious and distrustful of Europe’ said digging-expert Lacey Jones. ‘Truly, we are hearing the whiney, confused voices of the first modern Britains.’
The tablets will be known as the ‘What Did the Roman Ever Do for Us’ hoard and used by all parties for petty political point scoring during the run up to the referendum.