Tim Peake refusing to return to earth

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Major Tim Peake, the International Space Station crew member, has stated that he has absolutely no desire to return to earth on Saturday. In communications with his team on earth, Major Peake said that events back on his home planet had ‘taken a turn for the worse’ during the six months he had been on his mission.

‘At first it was OK- I got it. Ground control to Major Tim and all that, big old laughs a plenty on Twitter. I did everything they said: took my protein pills and put my helmet on, but this God’s love bit- ‘scuse me but seems that the whole God thing bit has taken a turn for the worse back on my home planet-shootings in his name. Bombings. Bloody heck.’

‘Oh and the bit about which shirts I wear. If that Farage has is way I’ll be clad in a Burton black nylon variety for ever more back in the old UK.’

Major Peake then took a break from collecting samples to stress that in spite of instructions to return to Earth he sincerely hoped that he would not be doing so. ‘Leave the spaceship if I dare, no I do NOT dare. I’d love to stay put.’

Major Peake denies ‘fiddling about with the electronics’ of his capsule and that any circuits that were dead resulting in something wrong were purely coincidental and had nothing to do with his desire to sit/float a space capsule that resembled a tin can for ever more. Major Peake then instructed his team on earth to tell his wife that he loved her very much, but stressed that she knew it anyway.

‘And Bowie died in January. Shit.’


S J Roe

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Posted: Jun 17th, 2016 by

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