After eons of debate, speculation and intensive probing into the contemporary zeitgeist, the World has finally been sectioned. Chronic depression, bi-polar disorder, hysteria and schizophrenia have combined to create the most unstable planet in the Solar System.
Despite hopes that a simple restraining order might have done the trick, and stopped the descent into utter madness, the events of the past few days have finally set the wheels in motion for a complete lock down. As a result, a 40,075 km wide straight jacket will be fitted around the Earth alongside a programme of electric shock treatment and religious aversion therapy. This will mark the onset of a prolonged period of readjustment well into the next Ice Age.
However, according to experts the action is too little too late. “The World first started showing signs of insanity as soon as humans emerged from ancestral apes who started walking upright and using simple tools,” explained an eminent World Health Organisation representative. “Look at any funny YouTube video with a chimpanzee in it and you’ll see where I’m coming from. We should’ve stayed on all fours and stayed cute.”
Psychiatrists are currently debating where to perform the first lobotomy with current options being North Korea, Raqqa or Trump Towers. With the absence of a padded cell large enough to take the World at present, Nigel Farage’s mouth has become a strong contender after it has been mucked out and sterilised.
Speculation that the Moon is made of Mogadon has also given scientists hope that there’ll be a big enough supply to stop the World finally spinning off its axis.