‘It all started with the Romans’, said Professor Tim Williams of the University of Central England, itself also an elaborate hoax. ‘They thought it would be funny to speak gibberish to the locals when they first came here. Being an isolated population, the myth took hold better than expected and it’s been maintained ever since.
‘Obviously, not being a real language, everybody’s versions of ‘Latin’ were different. The Brits really should have sussed it at that point, but then some forgotten prankster invented the concept of ‘countries with languages’, and the whole hoax became much more sophisticated.’
Only two fake languages have ever been rumbled, explained Williams. ‘The first was Polari, which was used by gay people as a means of communicating secretly about their – then – illegal sexual preferences. The second was Welsh, of course. The less said about their illegal sexual preferences the better.’
‘I feel a fool. I spent the best years of my life learning ‘vocabulary’ when I could have been out shagging, or just learning something real, like Quidditch. I even visited European countries where I had the experience every British tourist has – you’re in a cafe or somewhere and the locals are speaking perfect English and you just think ‘Wow. They’ve got a fantastic education system’. What you don’t realise is that English is their native tongue! They’re just pretending to speak gibberish the rest of the time.
A spokesman for the Department for Education said ‘Thank Christ for that. We just thought our teachers were really shite. We’ve spent literally dozens of pounds on in-service training, and still our children can’t master these so-called ‘languages’. Any chance Professor Williams could take a look at maths?’