A Tory leadership contest between two scary, immaculately coiffured dominatrixes who missed their vocation is causing everyone over the age of 45 to revisit memories of the 1980s, according to reports. With the Daily Mail asking which will emerge as ‘the new Maggie’, there are isolated instances of nostalgia for the loss of Michael Gove as Britain contemplates a future so bleak that Adele wouldn’t write a song about it.
‘Let me think,’ said Stephen Leach, a normal person from Bromsgrove. ‘Cruella de Vil’s less likeable younger sister or a reactionary CV-embroidering God-botherer who wants to resume hunting with dogs for the sake of animal rights. Sorry, I’m going have to come back to you later on that one. I’m off to A&E because I’ve just shat out my liver.’