While the pound and the euro continue to move up and down faster and more unpredictably than Kyle Walker in a strip club, investment decisions are put on hold indefinitely and the whole of British industry sits silently sticking pins into wax models of Boris Johnson, one group of British entrepreneurs is preparing to crack open the Cristal every night. For Britain’s three remaining makers of flags, things have never been so good.
‘We just can’t get them out the door fast enough,’ said Colin Durston, managing director of Flags R Us in Bromsgrove. ‘OK, there isn’t much profit on the England one and a lot of competition, but then I took a punt on securing exclusive distribution rights to the Iceland flag in Scotland. Now I’ve shifted 200,000 of them at £50 a pop in the past week. Get in!’
Flags R Us had a surplus stock of Scottish saltires after the disappointing end to Scotland’s independence referendum last year but is now seeing demand pick up again. Union Jack demand also remains temporarily healthy for as long as the Queen continues to have an age divisible by ten. However, it is the wave of new-look totems for simpletons that are really going to pay for Durston’s retirement cruise in two years’ time.
‘They’ll need a new version of the EU flag, but the Swexit, the Grexit, the Frexit and the Fuck-knows-who-nexit are all on the cards, while Turkey, Serbia and a couple of other places no-one can place on a map might join, so the Daily Mail keeps saying. There’s no telling how many stars they’ll want, so I’ve patented designs for every number between 21 and 33 just in case,’ he said. ‘Just so long as it doesn’t settle back at 28, it should be OK.’
The domestic market, however, is expected to remain the strongest in the longer term as the authorities agonise over how to drop the blue bit when Scotland finally leaves the UK. ‘They’ll have to acknowledge the existence of Wales this time, but a dragon with the Northern Ireland Red Hand patting its arse is going to look pretty daft,’ Durston said. ‘It’ll probably take another referendum and five iterations of design to sort it out. By then, I’ll be driving round Monte Carlo in a horse-drawn golden chariot while sniffing cocaine off the Japanese womens’ netball team’s navels, so bring it on.’