Having bested a gigantic crab to obtain a mysterious purple orb, scientists are now confident that mankind is entering the final levels of an elaborate cosmic computer game. One scientist told us: ‘The clue was that the reef was suspiciously abundant in repair kits for our craft, a glowing sign read ‘here lies an epic item’ and we could all hear the theme tune to The Legend of Zelda’.
Encouraged by the knowledge that many games feature a giant crab as an early boss, the team are excited about the prospect of increasingly difficult bosses – Mike Ashley, Sir Philip Green and finally an orange-glowing Donald Trump. Admitted the scientist: ‘After a disappointingly easy confrontation we obtained the loot, which unfortunately seems like it’s probably a new species of sea slug – which is still pretty neat – and not a mysti… quantum McGuffin sphere. Still, overcoming crabs is no small feat – just ask Russell Brand’.