Interest rates set to rise in 5,400,000 AD


Following Thursday’s decision to cut interest rates to a record low of 0.25%, the Bank of England governor has predicted a rate increase before the Sun reaches the end of its life cycle. The timely announcement was part of a package of measures designed to prevent a pre-supernova recession, and it will bring relief to exasperated savers, who can now expect higher returns before the star is completely depleted of hydrogen fuel.

‘Commercial banks will have no excuse but to pass on future rate rises to any surviving members of our species,’ commented Governor Mark Carney, after swearing at his HP Deskjet 1000 for printing one-sided £20 banknotes. ‘We forecast slower earnings growth and some job losses as the Sun begins to collapse under its own weight. However, this deflationary gravitational impact should be initially offset by higher savings rates’.

He continued: ‘The decision to leave the EU might seem somewhat negligible when the Sun becomes a bloated red giant and engulfs Mercury and Venus.  However, Britain would still be in a relatively stable position and should continue to attract investment from overseas.  Additionally, a fresh round of ‘quantitative hardening’ should go some way to underscoring the existential insignificance of the Monetary Policy Committee’.


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Posted: Aug 6th, 2016 by

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