Bradley Wiggins to replace Bank of England as custodian of Britain’s gold


Sir Bradley Wiggins will set monetary policy and assume responsibility for managing and protecting Great Britain’s reserves of gold, it was announced today. The move comes after the cyclist’s medal success at Rio 2016, which has meant that his stocks of gold now exceed those of the Bank of England. Wiggins will also be entitled to print his own bank notes, which will feature a picture of him sticking out his tongue and making a humorous face on a podium.

Wiggins will keep his gold, and the rest of the precious metal secured by Team GB, in his cellar, alongside his wine collection, a vintage Lambretta and his bass guitar. The latter will allow him to fulfil the Bank of England’s traditional duties as ‘Fender of Last Resort’.

‘With the uncertainties of the last few months, our reserves has taken a hit’, said Wiggins. ‘But don’t worry, I’ll stock the Pinot Grigio back up with a trip to Tesco when I return from Brazil’. Fellow cyclist Jason Kenny will offer 24 hour protection of the cellar, by cycling very, very fast in a circle round the gold.

Wiggins’ monetary policy committee will meet on the first Saturday each month, in the cyclist’s favourite pub, the Farmers’ Arms in Eccleston, where they do a decent pie and pint combo for a tenner. The exception will be August, where there is a clash with the Brighton Weekender festival, where Wiggins is always guest of honour.

‘The Tories have been peddling nonsense on monetary policy for too long’, said Wiggins in his first financial statement. ‘The economy has a slow puncture and the wheels are about to come off. The pound continues to be down against the dollar, and I continue to get down with Paul Weller on some kind of retro-Quadrophenia vibe. And as a long-term investment in mod-credibility, I can reveal that sideburns continue to outperform hipster beards.’


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Posted: Aug 15th, 2016 by

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