In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.
While Mr. Salmond refused to put an immediate timescale on the proposed medieval siege, commentators have pointed out that this new stance follows on from a series of other unreasonable diva demands; including scented rose-petal candles, his own parliamentary trailer and a unicorn pony.
Since his failed Independence referendum Mr. Salmond has become increasingly withdrawn and unable to accept the 55% to 45% result, and has often been caught on openly hidden BBC and Channel 4 cameras murmuring about unleashing 10,000 axe-wielding Highlanders and a blood bathe involving ‘kilts and effete Sassenachs’ before muttering with a twinkly smile, and a kiss to camera, the words ‘proportional representation’.
Half a year has passed since Mr. Salmond assured voters that no further referendums would occur for a ‘generation’, but he hadn’t let on that he meant a generation which had the lifespan of a mayfly.
A spokesman for Mr. Salmond rejected the premise that he was ignoring democracy: ‘A lot has changed since September 2015: hemlines, twitter feeds, the name of the month – you name it. You can’t expect the Scottish people to respect the will of the Scottish people, particularly if six months have elapsed or if the day ends in a ‘Y’.’
Later, dressed as the lovechild of Robert the Bruce and Wee Jimmy Krankie, Mr. Salmond renewed his commitment to a new referendum by painting half of his face blue and imbedding a Lochaber Axe in the head of an effigy of George Osborne. His spokesman said: ‘The previous referendum was clearly just a trial-run. The next one will be the real thing – Scots motivated by the threat of Tory austerity and our claymores. Bannockburn? A doddle! We even won Falkirk this time around.’