Distraught Justin Bieber fans have sent a direct communication to the kidnapped Chibok schoolgirls in Nigeria, telling them to ‘get some perspective’ after the Canadian pop star quit Instagram yesterday. 78 million inconsolable followers implored the abductees to reframe their plight in the context of a Bieber-free world. The idol’s devotees only qualified the message by adding that their hero remained on Facebook, but it was still ‘far worse than the day Miley Cyrus quit Twitter’.
The missive was dispatched to the hostages, following a new video released by Boko Haram, in which an injured schoolgirl pleaded with her parents ‘to be patient’, but distinctly failed to mention the online abuse suffered by the heart throb’s girlfriend, Sofia Richie.
‘It annoys me how they fail to see the bigger picture,’ said a frustrated die-hard ‘Belieber’, Kate Simpson, 14. ‘Why did WE have to reach out to THEM in the first place? I didn’t receive one text message of support from any of the self-obsessed captives. I mean HELL-OOOOO, I’m nearly dying here. It’s like, totally, so, y’know, like.’
In response to the letter, the Islamic militant group has changed their ransom demand to show compassion for the ‘real victims': the release of captured Boko Haram fighters and the reinstatement of the icon’s Instagram account in return for freeing the girls. Hardline factions, however, are also demanding that Ed Balls be removed from the planned line-up of Strictly Come Dancing.
Meanwhile, Justin Bieber’s ex-girlfriend, Selena Gomez has strongly criticised refugees fleeing violence in central Mali, for ‘failing to demonstrate both humility and solidarity’ in the online spat against her former lover.