A gigantic wave of apathy swept the UK as another predictable day of unpredictable exam results arrived. With 99% of the nation spending the last two years working hard not to study an A level, the tension experienced by whiny teenagers was greeted with the same indifference we reserve for coastal erosion in New Zealand or celery.
An OFQUAL spokeswoman explained: ‘This year grades have gone up if you take into account target-grades, but have gone down if you just look at A-B pass rates. But have gone up in terms of value-added data but down in success and retention. Up, if tied to a hydrogen balloon. But down if you prick it. Up if you smile, down if you frown’.
‘Even if results are down, standards are clearly on the rise,’ said the Department for Education. ‘Yet teachers are still dreadful. And probably Trotskyites. Remember, A-levels are the gold standard, unless of course we’re in Opposition; in that case, they’re worthless. Either way teachers are dreadful.’