The Home Office has hailed a fivefold increase in reported cases of slavery as a triumph in deregulation and free-market douchebaggery, with the Prime Minister promising to defeat modern slavery by returning to more traditional forms; such as indentured servitude – or the London rental market as it is known.
A growing sector, J D Wetherspoon, already plans to open a chain of Pyramid-themed pubs; just as Sports Direct announced the development of their first cotton plantation. While 90% of the McDonald’s workforce is already on zero-hours, these contracts are more accurately described as an ‘escape plan’ by the staff.
The Conservative Minister for safeguarding and ‘issues effecting people with accents’ said: ‘We are shining a light on modern slavery – turning it into a reliable business model. And we’re hoping to replace zero-hours with non-zero-sum contracts, which ensure everyone loses out. Remember, 60% of contractees are happy, while the remaining 40% are scheduled to do battle with the lions in the Colosseum.’
The Salvation Army reports that most UK slaves are victims of sexual and labour exploitation – with many not even reaching the final of the X-Factor. With 2 million zero-hour contracts active, one slave commented: ‘The confusion over who was Spartacus may be simply down the fact he was working multiple part-time jobs’.