It’s up there with the riddle of the Sphinx and James Corden’s career, but scientists have uncovered the mystery behind all the ‘hole thingies’ on the back on your wide-curved-plasma-HDR-LED-HGV-RSVP-boil in the bag-televisual box. Rather than an assortment of audio/digital connections, it is now believed that the embedded slots are alien in origin and form an important part in our species’ evolution.
Explained one paleoanthropologist and aerial mechanic: ‘We’ve concluded that once these intergalactic hieroglyphics are deciphered, then the human race will advance to a higher state of being; probably something with Sky Sports and genuine surround sound – not that Dolby 5.1 rubbish’.
Naturally man’s first impulse upon discovering the various holes was to use them for sexual purposes; but that kind of experimentation ceased shortly after an awkward trip to A&E following a quick 240v to the genitals. Others primitives, still using Betamax, sadly worshipped the holes as rudimentary Gods, feeding them cotton buds and twiglets.
To many, it is a relief to discover that letter combinations like dvi-in and coaxial are meaningless phrases, like ‘reliable wi-fi’, ‘affordable car insurance’ or ‘socialist Blairite’. One TV owner confessed: ‘I’m just glad they’re not some electrical glory hole or a portal to Narnia. It’s certainly evidence of a higher form of intelligence, but sadly comes too late to stop the new series of the Great British Bakeoff’.