It was a system of compulsory metalwork, grim lavatories, underage pregnancy (despite domestic science for girls) and victimisation of RE teachers, in which a majority of children learned to smoke, fight boredom and each other, avoid work and despair of self advancement.
Which is why a return to the era in which most children were doomed from the age of 11 has been planned by the Conservative party in the name of increased social mobility.
‘It’s important that we single out the majority of life’s failures at the earliest possible opportunity, said Justine Greensmythe, ‘Downward social mobility will allow a tiny minority of others to wear ridiculous blazers and dream of getting into the university of Somewhere nobody’s ever heard of to study sports science and rack up £27,000 of debt.’
Ms Greensmythe told the Commons that teachers at the comprehensive school she attended had tried and failed to turn her into a communist, and she always dreamed of going to a proper grammar school which had its own song and specially coloured socks, where she could study to become an accountant.
‘Instead I was forced to stay in the comprehensive system where lessons included political correctness, modern dance, media studies and vegetarianism. Many of the teachers openly smoked marijuana during assemblies which encouraged us to ‘experiment with our own bodies’.
A leaked conservative memo explained that the real secondary modern successes of the future will be self made entrepreneurs paying the minimum wage to their ex classmates to sell cheap trainers to more of their ex classmates. The memo also made the point that more secondary modern educated children will fulfil Britain’s future need for cheeky market porters, lamplighters and extras in the remake of Mary Poppins.