Republican party chiefs in the US have announced that the party is to break up and will no longer contest elections. The decision was attributed to widespread disillusionment among party activists who have decided that it’s no fun adopting policies and candidates that could only be part of an elaborate practical joke, if the entire electorate is just too thick to notice.
‘It’s not like we were subtle about it,’ said senior Republican John Boehner, ‘We thought in a country like this we had no chance against an ordained minister like Jimmy Carter in 1980, so just for kicks we set up Ronald Reagan, a twice-divorced Hollywood actor with the brains of a radiator as the Christian candidate against him. And he won. Twice. Holy fucking crap, how did we get away with it?’
Following mixed success with relatively colourless candidates in the 1990s, Republican chiefs went all-out for laughs by putting forward George W. Bush, an educationally sub-normal alcoholic draft dodger, as the candidate for pro-military born again evangelicals.
‘We were laughing our asses off on election night in 2000,’ said Boehner. ‘When he won by a blatant fraud in the state run by his brother and senior officials said he hadn’t been elected president but appointed by God, I thought, OK, they’re bound to get it now. But nope, he did it again four years on. George W. Bush. George W. Freekin’ Bush! What is WRONG with you people?’
However, in view of the recent mid-term elections, where massive gains were recorded by the Tea Party movement backed by Sarah Palin, a known ‘Big Oil’ supporter who backs creationist education — ‘I mean, hello! Fossil fuels? The clue’s right there in the goddamn name!’ — Boehner has conceded that the joke has turned sour.
‘The Founding Fathers warned about the perils of democracy and now we can see why,’ he told reporters. ‘Americans are just too dumb to be trusted with dangerous pointy instruments like pencils every other year. We’re outta here and I don’t care if that does mean six more years of Obama. And besides, with Wall Street bailouts proceeding as planned, ongoing war in Afghanistan and decent healthcare still the privilege of the wealthy with the Democrats all the while claiming to be the party of change, it’s not like there isn’t going to be somebody out there still taking the piss.’