A right-wing think tank that has hailed an increase in attempted suicides as evidence that savings can still be made from the social security budget. With a concerted effort to depress the populace, tax credits could easily be replaced with a bottle of sleeping pills, while the welfare safety-net could be made into a fetching noose, the Adam Smith Institute said.
A pioneering study has revealed that dead people are substantially less likely to claim benefits. Explained one call centre operative: ‘Here at Concentrix, we regularly speak to suicidal clients. But why worry about eating, when you can just stop? For us it’s about consumer choice. And we encourage them to choose natural selection. If you’re a low-income household who’ve had your tax credits stopped in error, this can be reviewed through a simple appeals procedure. Likewise any rash suicides.’