The BBC entered a new era this weekend with the launch of ‘BBC Hardcore’ – a free to air pornography channel intended to compete with the fastest growing area of digital broadcasting. ‘BBC 69’ as it will also be known will cater for those who are currently being attracted away from the corporation’s mainstream channels by programmes featuring large breasted women having sex with unlikely strangers at very little prompting.
‘We have to recognise that there is a market for these programmes’ acknowledged the BBC Director General Mark Thompson, reacting to tabloid headlines such as ‘Auntie’s Bloomer’s Now Crotchless’; ‘Our public service brief is to cater for everyone. We see it as part of the BBC’s historic remit to inform, educate, and sexually arouse.’
The first programme on ‘BBC 69’ as it will also known, was a fly-on-the-wall type documentary about a muscle-bound pizza delivery man who received an order from a lone blonde woman specifying that she wanted ‘extra large sausage’. The programme was followed by a public service announcement, stating ‘If you were affected by any of the issues raised in ‘We Promise Not to Come Within 30 Minutes’ then please phone the BBC 24 hour Helpline for interactive live chat with these girls.
BBC Hardcore is also launching a competition to find Britain’s next big porn star, with thousands of unlikely candidates auditioning to be the winner of ‘The XXX Factor.’ ‘I’ve definitely got what it takes to win The XXX Factor’ said twenty-stone grandmother of seven Mavis Johnson from Wigan to the derisive laughter of the judges. Finalists in the search for a porn-star will have to demonstrate their versatility by specializing in a different fetish every week, with Bruce Forsyth guiding the contestants through their paces.
At a Press The Director General claimed that BBC Hardcore represented the future of Public Service Broadcasting, and went on to praise a number of the individual programmes in some detail. Although he confessed that he was unable to comment on the end of ‘LadyBoys Must Be Punished’; ‘as I heard my wife coming downstairs.’