Technically England’s most successful manager with a ‘win one, lose job’ record, Mr. Allardyce has shown the utmost humility, by exiting with a modest payoff, a wink and a fond farewell. The outgoing manager boasted of his flawless win rate, a spotless tracksuit and low-millage on his company car; leaving with a spring in his step and a golden boot in his arse.
With the integrity typical of a brand ambassador for ‘My Club Betting’, Mr. Allardyce has taken the phrase ‘quit while you are ahead’ to its natural conclusion – by stopping before he had even started…just like David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’. Explained an FA spokeswoman: ‘Too many sportsmen and women over stay their welcome, and I’d advise most to stop while at primary school, shortly after the egg and spoon race. Mr. Allardyce can leave, proud of his 100% success in being sacked for gross misconduct…rather than the usual incompetence’.
Arguably deserving a bigger severance package for his monumental contribution to the England team, Allardyce allegedly negotiated the FA down to a modest £1m – explaining that money can buy people but not happiness. After 67 strenuous days in the job, including one whole 90 minute football match, his £8,219 day-rate has been deemed good value, particularly by his pension manager.
Unbeaten under Mr. Allardyce, many of his players will be encouraged to resign to protect their perfect start. Pundits now agree that it is an error to play teams like Brazil, Germany or Port Vale; and that the template for success is just to play one game against the Slovakia. ‘Once again Big Scam, I mean Big Sam, has shown himself to be of the highest moral standing’, said the spokeswoman. ‘I accept he’s made a shrewd £600k net gain, but can you really question the ethical conduct of a man who has a football agent’s – I mean ‘football’s’ – best interests at heart?
jonessgl & Wrenfoe