Support for Donald Trump among America’s Christians has plummeted, amid claims that a Trump presidency is ‘extremely hard to believe in.’ A new poll reveals the country’s White Catholic community is losing faith in Donald Trump, with his presidential campaign now held in similar esteem as homosexuals and the ethnically ambiguous.
‘As a Catholic, I believe in many things,’ says born-again Christian Damian Godly. ‘I believe in flaming bushes, plagues of locusts, Papal Infallibility, exorcism, premarital abstinence and stigmata. I also believe I am eating the Lord’s flesh every Sunday in the form of a tasteless beige disc.’ ‘But I no longer believe in Donald Trump.’
Fellow church-goer Chris Redeemer pinpoints the release of a 2005 video with TV host Billy Bush as the moment he lost faith in the Republican candidate. ‘Donald Trump went too far when he openly discussed sexual abuse,’ he says. ‘In the Catholic church, we keep that stuff behind closed doors.’
This newfound contempt for Trump is so strong that many Catholic Americans are even considering electing a woman to a position of power, breaking with thousands of years of Catholic tradition. ‘Obviously, I despise Hillary Clinton,’ explains Godly. ‘She’s slick and accomplished and clearly very well-equipped to do the job; all attributes I hate in a woman.’
‘But I do admire the fact that she is a decisive leader. While Donald sits around bragging about how he can grab people by the genitalia, Hillary actually takes action. She’s had Bill by the balls for years.’