Giant James May terrorises Kent after being given ‘wrong kind of growth hormones’

Oh, cock!

Kent woke today to scenes of carnage after a giant James May roamed the countryside overnight, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.

Scientists at the Kent Institute of Pharmacology admitted that May, 47, had agreed to take part in a trial of an experimental new drug aimed at getting middle-aged men to ‘just grow up’. Unfortunately the drug had the undesired effect of making him grow to five storeys tall, from which height it is believed that May’s instinct ‘to treat everything like a giant train set’ kicked in.

Whitstable was particularly badly hit when rush hour traffic was swept off the road by May’s huge hands so he could force Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond to race each other in two Robin Reliants made of lego. Eyewitness said he later tried to attach an electricity pylon to Clarkson’s car so he could play scaletrix but grew enraged when the wires tangled in his ample fringe, and threw Clarkson over a hill, before running off in the direction of Ashford.

Despite a body count of 3000 and rising, residents of Kent are urged to remain calm, and to talk about cars as much as possible in the hope of creating a familiar and soothing background noise for the confused beast. They are also urged to protect their homes and vehicles by putting up the posters Oz Clarke being airdropped by the RAF across the county.

just picking up anything he fancies, and tinkering with itRichard Hammond strenuously denied that this is yet another zany Top Gear stunt, claiming that ‘a giant James May wandering around causing mayhem really wouldn’t be that entertaining’. Jeremy Clarkson meanwhile hit back at Kent Council’s objection James May destroying the centre of Canterbury and killing thousands; ‘It’s just another example of the health and safety nanny state gone mad!’


1 February 2010

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