John Lewis customers are evil


Upmarket department store John Lewis has today described its customers as ‘mainly bigots with a thin veneer of civilisation’.  The firm explained its decision not to withdraw advertising from tabloids accused of spreading hate: ‘Years of market research and investment in focus groups proves that our core demographic is a white, late-middle-aged couple from Woking – who buy the Telegraph for the crossword but read the Daily Mail cover to cover’.

While winsome adverts tempt customers with luxury kitchen goods and superb soft furnishings, the subtext is that no one in the EU makes anything this good because they are all too busy getting raped by Syrian terrorists.  Likewise regular customers will often discard a precise shade of green velour they spent months looking for, just because it turns out to be from Pakistan; while quoting a ‘Mail’ article demonstrating the link between brain cancer and fabrics woven by brown people.

Then in the car on the way home, they will discuss their suspicion that the Polish girl at the till short-changed them, which would never happen with that nice young man in the food hall who can not afford to live in Bromley any more because of ‘all the darkies and benefit scroungers’ pushing up rents.  They would, of course, never use the word ‘darkie’ to anyone else, although they wish they could.

One executive added: How else are we supposed to reach that kind of hate-filled audience in print?  We tried the Times, but that just produced a 12% drop in summer sales and a massive rise in enquiries about tweed.  We’re a partnership, meaning that all employees benefit from sustained growth in revenue, even the ones with funny accents – who most of our customers wish would bugger off back where they came from’.

Bob Crumpet


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Posted: Nov 19th, 2016 by

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