Hot on the heels of Donald Trump’s success, an Isle of Wight hotelier has secured a majority of parish seats – despite pollsters inaccurately predicting a victory for a candidate ‘without a vestigial tail’. Controversially Doris Armitage, 62, has promised to build a wall around the UK mainland or at least put up the cost of ferry travel.
Under the slogan – ‘Make the island Wight again’, Mrs Armitage had already established a reputation for building mini-golf courses throughout the Isle and grabbing neighbours pussy-cats for an unwelcome fondle.
Mrs Armitage said she intends to replace universal health care with the healing powers of a Shanklin cream tea. Mirroring many of the President’s promises, Doris has said she will impose tariffs on cheap Chinese ‘sticks of rock’, waterboard tourists in Blackgang Chine and even talked about maintaining lists of mainland immigrants: ‘…as soon as one of us learns to write’.
Doris had run a controversial campaign using ‘birther conspiracies’, claiming her opponent’s parents were not brother and sister. Yet while Mr. Trump has filled his cabinet with known bigots, Mrs Armitage has chosen to fill hers with jam: ‘…but only with the red fruits’.
Titus & Wrenfoe