Hopes that huge quantities of World War One-related programming might be over by Christmas have been quashed, with millions of casualties lying stunned by the sheer weight of daily battle coverage on sofas across Europe while broadcasters unveil their seemingly endless commemoration strategies.
Huge stockpiles of programming have already been created for the foreseeable future, with initially enthusiastic viewers becoming depressed by the endless heavy gunfire added by the BBC Sound Effects department to grainy films of someone’s great granddad.
‘There has never been a more tragic waste of human life,’ said Sam Smith. ‘If I have to listen to another tragic soldier’s diary on Radio 4 or watch silent black and white archive of men cheerily smoking pipes and carrying stretchers with men cheerily smoking pipes on them, I may turn conscientious objector and not pay the licence fee.’
It’s understood that American programming top brass may enter the fray next year, with the possibility of Rupert Murdoch claiming he will win the ratings war.
But BBC Senseless Warfare editor Brigadier Pat Smythe argued : ‘This senseless conflict is a massive opportunity for broadcasters to create huge quantities of senseless programming. For four years we’ll have to come up with fewer original ideas. As the conflict goes on, watch out for trench cookery shows, trench talent shows, I’m a Celebrity Please Don’t Shoot and endless repeats of no man’s land football highlights from Anderlecht. We cannot forget the fallen, and that includes the fallen asleep.’