Fidel Castro, the original leader of legendary Cuban musical group The Buena Vista Socialism Club, has passed away aged 90. Famous as the band’s musical Commander who fideled while Havana burned, Castro died quietly at home surrounded by friends and dynasty. His final words were a seven-hour diktat on agricultural production and how the running dog imperialistas of the USA were holding the world at gunpoint with their utterly discredited and oppressive form of gangster capitalism. Donald Trump. the president-erect of the United States, said that he “approved entirely” of this summation.
In a statement, Raúl Castro, 89, the interim President of the Council of State of the Buena Vista Socialism Club, a relative latecomer to the band when he joined in 1957, said the group “will miss Fidel, but we go on, playing the brand of music we always have. Our songs, such as America Is Bleeding The World Dry, The People Of Cuba Will Triumph Over The Appalling Monkey-Humans Who Oppress Us, and Can You Sneak These Genuine Havana Cigars Into Miami, Please?, will live on eternally, or until we finally capitulate and retire to nice houses overlooking the everglades”.
On other pages: Mad missile fetishist Castro took the world to the brink (p4-7); How I escaped a life of sex slavery in Cuba, by Strictly’s Tess Daly (p8); Despite Communism, Cuba gave the world the joy of Irish stew, by Jamie O’Liver (p44); the Fidel Castro I loved was a wonderful chap who was deeply concerned about the plight of ordinary newts in Surrey and paid for the people of London’s buses, by Ken Livingstone (website, bottom left where you can’t find it)