A Retford couple have totally bought into the optimism, vitality and practicality suggested by Ikea product names at their local store, it was revealed today. Kevin Anderson and his wife made unanticipated purchases totalling £845.46, alongside the modest BESTÅ drawer unit they originally went to buy. The purchases were made after the couple re-imagined the possibilities of their life in the light of a provocatively aspirational store display of functional, upwardly-mobile Swedish-detective living, despite this being ultimately elusive in suburban Nottinghamshire.
‘This SENSUELL frying pan – probably great for frying meatballs really lightly, something we tend to do every week, don’t we?’ noted Anderson to his wife as they wandered round the store in an increasingly unfocused and persuadable mood. ‘Oh, pick up 10 more of those KOMPLEMENT kitchen organisers – they’ll go with every aspect of the décor we have, or maybe none of it, who cares.’
Ikea’s product names have a complex geneology, created by dyslexic founder Ingvar Kamprad, who wanted to avoid a labelling system which relied on numbers. This is the reason why Kamprad uses Swedish place names, occupations, precious stones and other categories to name goods. That, plus he saw an opportunity to exploit the fact that customers will automatically assume that tea-tree lights are really, really good if they are called GLIMMA.
Ikea executives are thought to be working on a new UK product range which will extol more directly the positive virtues of the Swedish economy compared to life here. The Lottsbreak coffee maker will seek to conjure up the beneficial work-life balance achieved in Sweden, Balaancebuks office organisers will hint at the lack of a structural deficit in the Swedish economy and the Cheepacaare cot will spontaneously trigger images of extensive state support for nursery costs, funded through the tax system.
‘Look at how those Swedish book titles and simply styled children’s toys fit snugly under that STORÅ bed frame. Coincidentally, the name almost suggests as much,’ noted Anderson, towards the end of their 5 hour visit. ‘Just one item left to locate. Where can I find a TOWTAAL BJELLEND?’