As part of plans for the UK’s governance after Brexit, Theresa May will attempt to attract more rich celebrities such as footballers and Hollywood stars to the UK by making it illegal for them to pay tax.
The scheme, to be administered by three wise monkeys, BoJo, Foxy and DaDa, will prevent celebrities and anyone else the Government finds desirable from having their tax affairs discussed in public or mentioned in the media. Not that they will have any tax affairs. Persons found to have an unconventional interest in the tax status of famous people face immediate imprisonment and being called perverts.
‘It’s a question of being pragmatic,’ said Mrs May, carefully checking that her skirt covered her knees. ‘Great Britain needs the rich to give us a sprinkle of stardust. Britain needs more glamour: I cannot provide it all.
‘The wealthy are not just wealth creators for themselves. The wealthy create wealth for the common wealth of us all in the UK and sometimes also wealth for the commoners in the Commonwealth – which will become increasingly important, as nobody else is speaking to us. The money they earn trickles steadily down the ranks of society until it reaches the owners of designer brands, the manufacturers of luxury soft leather goods with decorative Tchaikovsky (TM) crystals, and in the case of footballers, high-class body artists.
‘This money, should some of it be siphoned off into the Exchequer, will only be spent on dreary, everyday items such as the defence of the realm, fixing potholes in the roads and public health initiatives. These are things the public finds far less fascinating than hearing about the non-fiscal lives of stars, so it is pointless spending celebrities’ fully-deserved, hard-earned income on them. Celebrities who try to pay tax will be declared clinically insane and will be forced to stay in the UK or die, whichever is the most punitive.’