Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer has been forced to resign from his position as Santa’s chief sleigh puller following tabloid revelations that the celebrity deer’s nose had turned from red to white due to an long term cocaine addiction.
According to local sources ‘On one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to stay. He called for Rudolf, with his nose so bright so he could guide the sleigh tonight. Sadly, Rudolf was nowhere to be found. He was locked in the grotto’s toilet, sniffing cocaine off of the toilet seat.’
This is the latest scandal to face the grotto since Santa had to ban Polish elves working in the toy factory after complaints about them ‘taking jobs from Lapland elves when they ‘can’t even speak Elvish anyway’.
Santa Claus has apparently sacked Rudolf from his high-profile job as the main sleigh puller, and checked him into a Los Angeles Rehab Centre. At an emotional press conference, Rudolf told celebrity journalists; ‘I deeply regret the pain and hurt I have brought to Mr Christmas and my fellow reindeer. I am determined to put my life back on track although the doctors say my nose will never be as shiny red now that the septum has completely disintegrated.’
Rumours about Rudolf’s cocaine habit had been circulating in Lapland for some time, since the elves dubbed him ‘Crackhead the White Nosed Reindeer’. However, Dasher and the other deer have been defending their former leader. “Don’t be cussing ma homie, Rudy, yeah, or I is gonna pop a cap in your ass. Besides yeah, we all do the coke innit. Bruv, how do you fink da sleigh would ever fly wivout dat sweet snow?’
25th December 2007