From next year, works which come with an artist’s name attached will be disqualified from the prestigious contemporary art prize’s selection process. Instead, judges will concentrate on works that have not been made by artists.
‘The very idea of artists has now been totally discredited by new and exciting works like ‘James Milner’s Shin Pads’,’ explained chief Judge Mike Smythe. ‘These exist free of the bourgeois taint of personality cult. No formal ‘artist’ has been involved, strictly speaking.’
‘The problem is we are seeing generations of male ceramics students feeling they have to dress up as little girls to gain attention, or to buy out Toys r Us’s total stock of miniature soldiers. Meanwhile female students on similar courses feel they have to sleep with diverse men for no good reason, then make lists of them on pullovers. At the prestigious St Martin’s School of Art, lecturers have noticed an outbreak of students spitting at their own work in progress, not always accurately. This has led to Health and Safety concerns.’
In his speech to this year’s winners, Smythe praised generations of Turner contestants’ creative efforts to avoid evening dress on the night and members of the public sending in VHS tapes on which they recorded analogue interference from the Redditch transmitter mast in 1977.
‘Of course, these efforts are to be applauded in the way they have subverted the very idea of art. But all too often they come with the hegemonic taint of ‘the artist’, with all the negativity that entails. This inhibits the impact of the prestigious Turner prize.’
Smythe went on to praise ‘The Idea of Biscuit Crumbs’ which does not even have physical attributes, let alone an identifiable creator. Smythe said ‘The Crumbs, not on show at the prestigious Tate Modern, have wowed critics and visitors alike in the way they subvert the very idea of ‘art’, while referencing every day life as experienced by every day people who are not artists.
It is understood next year’s Turner Prize event, at the prestigious Tate Britain, will take place as usual, but nobody will be invited. Food will be served as usual, but this will be allowed to decompose on the plates until the next year’s prestigious ceremony. Smythe said: ‘The whole thing will be filmed by toddlers with Fischer Price video cameras. In this way we subvert the very idea of a prize of this kind. We urgently need to reassess what we mean by the idea of ‘art’ and ‘artists’, first and foremost by making sure these increasingly redundant words are always placed inside inverted commas for their own safety.’