After years of study, researchers have finally found the answers to many of those difficult questions posed by pop stars. ‘We started with the easy stuff first,’ said research assistant John Whitehouse. ‘We told Dionne Warwick to take the I280 south from San Francisco and shown Tony Christie that one way is the eastbound I40 from Albuquerque. We also let the Sweet know there is no way to Blockbuster, because it closed down some years ago and persuaded the Beatles that on balance it is better to ‘do it’ in bed rather than in the road.’
Researchers have now informed Bob Dylan that a man is a man, regardless of how many roads he has walked down, that looking up once is enough to see the sky, except possibly in Hull, and that two ears are usually enough to hear someone cry. Meanwhile, Pete Seeger has been told that the reason all the flowers have gone because it’s winter, duh, and Peggy Lee has learned that yes, that is all there is, unless she wants to tell us otherwise via a ouija board.
Furthermore, researchers informed Rod Stewart in no uncertain terms that no, they don’t find him sexy and they don’t want his body; while the Clash were told that, given that if they go there will be trouble but if they stay there will be double, then logically they should go. They also agreed that Stevie Wonder’s baby daughter is lovely but wondered how he could tell.
Some more ambiguous questions, however, have proved more difficult. Without actually knowing the context, it has only been possible to tell Bono to see if he can remember where he left it or, failing that, to try down the back of the sofa. ‘It could have been where the streets have no name, of course, but I doubt that will help much,’ Whitehouse said.
One researcher, named informally as Kenneth, has contacted REM with the answer of 46.4 KHz. Kenneth also reckoned, in answer to a question posed by Pink Floyd, that he can tell Heaven from Hell. ‘Heaven’s the one with cherubs and hell looks a bit like Croydon, right?’ he asked.
Another research assistant, Fernando, has told Abba that, no, he can’t, but perhaps the drums could be brought up a little in the final mix. ‘And as for Boy George and Culture Club, yes, we really do want to hurt you. Finally, I neither know nor care who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong – it sounds pervy if not downright dangerous.’
Smart Alex. Hat tips to Robopop, Rootin Tootin, Titus and Oxbridge