The planet Earth has confirmed today that it won’t be enclosing a round robin letter detailing the high and low points of its year this Christmas. This was ‘due to me being unable to condense the low points onto two sides of A4,’ according to Earth, a small rock planet in a solar system in the outer spiral arm of the moderately sized Milky Way galaxy.
‘The last time I felt unable to fully comment was 71 years ago,’ Earth continued. ‘I did my best to send out a round robin in 1945 but couldn’t because I was suffering from severe shingles-like symptoms in the Japanese area. That wasn’t a euphemism, in case you were wondering.’
Earth has suffered considerable personal tragedy this year, with the break-up of one of its favourite continents, ‘which breaks my heart because some of the people involved seemed to genuinely care as much about me as I do about them’. Meanwhile, its best-known child, the United States, has ‘unleashed the Mother of all Fuck-wits on itself’. Earth paused and shuddered at the thought, unfortunately triggering strong tremors in San Francisco.
‘Then there are the people who I have lost this year,’ Earth said. ‘Bowie, Alan Rickman, Glenn Frey and many, many others from the world of entertainment. Plus about half a million men, women and children in Aleppo, but luckily nobody seems to think they need listing so I just put a rough number down,’ it said, citing ‘custom and practice’.’
‘In the end the enclosed letter would have made the card I send to my fellow Solar System and extra-solar planets break the PIP letterbox standard, so I’ve left it out this year,’ Earthy said. A Post Office spokesman noted that Earth had missed the last posting dates for other planets by decades anyway and had consigned the cards to the bin. ‘Let’s face it, nobody gives a stuff about that bloody planet,’ he said.