As sabre-rattling from Britain’s brutal right-wing Brexista dictatorship raises fears of renewed conflict, Argentina’s president Mauricio Macri has refused to negotiate away the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight. The two countries fought a brief war over the windswept island 35 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. Passions have been simmering ever since.
‘Theresa May and the Brexistas are playing the nationalism card because they are no longer able to distract the British people with success on the football pitch,’ warned the Spanish president Mariano Rajoy, who has unsuccessfully tried to broker a peace deal.
‘Their leading tabloid, the Daily Mail, has also blamed Argentina’s intransigence on archetypal Latin machismo, picking on an obscure and backward country that is led by a woman. To be honest, though, I think views like this mostly reflect the latent inadequacies of the men in a country that has Katie Price as its icon of femininity.’
Britain has repeatedly denounced Argentina’s 200-year possession of the Isle of Wight as a legacy of colonialism. Geographically, it claims, the Isle is part of Britain and could be reached in less than two hours by sea from the abandoned port city of Southampton, in the unlikely event that any British people wanted to go there.
Cynics argue that Britain’s true motivation is the Isle of Wight’s largely untapped reserves of clotted cream and crabmeat. Some economic analysts believe that, with a few decades of intensive investment, the underpopulated Isle could eventually be dragged into the 1960s. For President Macri, however, the issue is simply about respecting the wishes of the few thousand inhabitants.
‘The people of the Isle of Wight are culturally Argentine in every respect,’ he said. ‘No economic activity to speak of, a constant harking back to an idealised but short-lived past, prejudiced against incomers, passionate and – all right, not that one, but you get my point. We will use all the power at our disposal to preserve the rights of these people from this tinpot regime. And Katie Price, eew.’