Premier League referee Mike Jones has expressed his profound gratitude to the public spirited man in Row W, Seat 78 of the West stand at Hull City’s KCOM Stadium, who alerted him to the fact that he was a ‘useless fat idiot’ during Saturday’s match with Crystal Palace and thus saved him from making a clearly incorrect decision.
‘Some might think that a fully trained official standing two yards might from the incident be in a better position to make a ruling than a random bloke sat 80 yards away high up in the stands,’ Jones said. ‘Nonsense. The fact is that my colleagues and I have been favouring away teams for decades through a mixture of incompetence and/or wangling things so that we only referee matches featuring the teams we supported as boys. I am profoundly ashamed of my role in conning home supporters for so many years.’
Jones had blown for a free kick to Palace on the edge of the Hull penalty area at a crucial stage of the game, after winger Wilfried Zaha had fallen down under a heavy challenge from Hull midfielder Tom Huddlestone. However, the unnamed man immediately yelled out that it was an ‘obvious fucking dive’ and Jones ‘needed his fucking eyes looked at’ if he thought it was a foul, causing him to reverse his decision. Both teams united to give Jones a round of applause as he booked Zaha for simulation.
Jones has now challenged the FA to ensure that the views of spectators should be taken into account in future refereeing, especially given that they have paid to see the games and have long experience of the wiles of ‘cheating Cockney bastards’. This could even be extended beyond match days, he added.
‘As the great Robbie Burns said “O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us. To see oursels as ithers see us!”‘ noted Jones. ‘So, my deepest thanks to all those at the KCOM Stadium who have made me more aware of my failings. I must admit, I hadn’t thought the stigma about having unmarried parents still applied in the 21st century, but as to the other thing, yes, it’s a filthy habit that I, as a happily married man of 45, should have long since grown out of. I suppose it partly explains the poor eyesight, though.’