An internal investigation by FIFA has resulted in an eight year exclusion from footballing activities for Mr. Blatter and his ‘little helper’ UEFA boss, Michel Platini. In further developments Santa Claus has banned the duo from receiving tax-free ‘gifts’, stockings stuffed with unmarked bills and any hint of a ‘white-washed’ Christmas.
Representatives of Mr. Blatter are still insistent that he has been a ‘good boy’ – keeping his accounts tidy and saying his nightly prayers to the Ethics committee. However elves representing the CIA have amassed a significant list of seasonal malpractice; including Mr. Blatter unwrapping winning bids before Xmas and rigging the nativity so that ‘Herod wins’.
A lawyer representing the ex-FIFA chief said: ‘We refute utterly the claims that my client has not entered into the spirit of giving and receiving. Arguably, when it came to bribes Mr. Blatter was always willing to share with the other boys and girls. Now, if Santa is willing to look the other way, I’m sure we can arrange for a glass of sherry and a mince pie to be left in a Swiss bank account of his choice. We can also arrange for Greenland to host the next World Cup, irrespective of its inclement weather conditions’.
Father Christmas has made it clear that Mr. Blatter will not be receiving his main present of FIFA 16 – which ironically is also the nickname of co-defendants. While Mr. Blatter has accused the North Pole of double-standards, claiming it has much in common with Qatar; being behind a vast distribution network of family bribes, exploiting low-paid labourers and keeping one ‘smug old guy’ in the same job forever.