Damien Rice’s ‘Cannonball’ found murdered by X-Factor winner

poor song never stood a chance

The song ‘Cannonball’ by singer-songwriter Damien Rice was found dead today in an incident that police say they are treating as murder. X-Factor winners Little Mix are being sought in connection with the death. ‘Cannonball’ was just nine years old.

‘There aren’t words to describe how I feel,’ said a tearful Damien Rice at a press conference today. ‘You read about this sort of thing happening to other artists but you never imagine it will happen to you. I just keep asking ‘why me?’ All anyone hopes is that when the time comes to say goodbye to their songs, they go painlessly, but from the recordings I’ve heard it sounds as if ‘Cannonball’ really suffered in its final hours.’

‘Cannonball’, which enjoyed brief fame in 2004 when it reached number 19 in the UK charts after being re-released, was described by Rice as an easygoing song. ‘Like all my songs, it never set out to offend anyone. It kept itself to itself, you know. I just can’t believe that anyone could do something like this to a piece of music – it’s horrible.’

Passers-by reported finding the dismembered remains of ‘Cannonball’ in record stores up and down the UK this morning, but despite the best efforts of the emergency services it was already too late to save it. ‘We think we’re looking for a group of amateurs because whoever committed this horrific act made a right mess of it,’ said a police spokesman. ‘They have shown total disregard for the sanctity of a melody. Our biggest concern now is that unless they are stopped they could go on to commit further atrocities.’

Police are conducting a nationwide hunt for the killer, but recognise that finding the culprit may not be easy. ‘In similar cases the perpetrator has tended to go to ground after one high-profile massacre. We’re still searching for whoever butchered Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ three years ago. However, the public should be warned that Little Mix are considered dangerous and under no circumstances should they be approached with your ears uncovered.’

A media inquest into the death will be held next week, but Rice now just wants closure on the tragedy. ‘All I ask is that the media respect my right to carry on with my career in private, and give me and my family the time and space we need to come to terms with our life-changing royalties.’

11th December 2011

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