Millions of British men are ‘valiantly’ holding back from Christmas shopping, although a few have crumbled this weekend and gone off ‘prematurely’, say High Street sources.
‘Real men leave it till the last minute’, said TV hardman Ray Winstone. ‘I earned £3 million last year, and I bought the missus some windscreen wiper blades and a box of Roses. It was all the garage had in stock at seven minutes to midnight on Christmas Eve. It’s not the money, you see, it’s the thoughtlessness that counts’.
Ross Kemp is reported to be making a documentary series on ‘Britain’s Toughest Last Minute Merchants’, investigating the honour culture of men who buy shite presents in the wrong sizes for their ‘lucky’ girlfriends. ‘I spent four months undercover with a Manchester street gang, earning their respect’, he told journalists in an earnest, yet still tough, voice. ‘At no point did any of them enter a shop. These boys were hardcore. I mean, they weren’t no Eric Bristow, let’s be clear, but they were still dangerous. Then it happened. Christmas Eve, three of the boys went shoplifting and came back with a random collection of rubbish clothing. Didn’t bother to wrap it or nothing, just chucked it at their women. Awesome’.
Perfume sellers wait patiently. ‘When the panic sets in, we could charge anything, absolutely anything, for a bottle of smelly water’, said a spokesman. ‘God, I love Christmas’.