Colleagues who jokingly request gin when asked if they want anything from the office drinks machine will be sacked without warning under new legislation.
The ruling – part of a cross-sector initiative to crack down on tedious workplace banter – will see companies shrink in size dramatically almost overnight.
Project Manager, Claire Hislop, said: ‘I’m sort of worried about how we’ll cope with only half our existing workforce. But on the plus side, most of the really dreadful people in the office will disappear from my life pretty much immediately’.
‘When someone asks me for a pint of Stella as I go for the tea run my only previous option was to feign amusement and just hope they went down with norovirus. But now it’s a quick call to HR and they’ll be handed their P45 and frog-marched out of the building by Security’.
Office Assistant, Nick Ferguson, added: ‘People just need to try harder. If someone asks me if I want a drink I’ll say ‘no thanks I’ve got one here’ then whip out a can of Kestrel Super, down it in one go, hurl the empty can at my boss and light up a cigarette at my desk’.
‘At least that would be original. Chin chin!’